Conflict – Plattsville Church

Broken Little Hearts, and Bruised Kidneys

I’m totally biased, but I think my kids are great. Like I mean so are yours, but well mine are…well let’s just leave that there J

But even my totally amazing kids, occasionally drive me nuts, and do really wrong and dumb things.

The other day I was wrestling with our closest friend’s son, and all of sudden my oldest Hudson wants to “rescue” him. So while I’m not looking on the floor, he gets a running start and kicks me as hard as he can in my side. A perfect kidney shot.

Now I must say that my soccer coaching skills for how to kick have really payed off because that one little kick from a 5 year old hurt, like hold back tears, don’t say anything, take time to recover hurt.

Here’s the thing though – when he knew he hurt me, like really hurt me, he knew he did something wrong, he knew he did something bad. But I turned after regaining some strength and wanted to make sure he knew how wrong it was. I said, “You don’t ever do that again”. And my wife, Krista came and then took Hudson to bed.

I came in a little while later, after I was feeling better and I walked into the room and I had a choice.

I could remind Hudson of how deeply he failed me, and how we don’t kick friends – or anyone for that matter. I could have sat down and said how that wasn’t a wise choice. I could have focused in on the “wrong” and how he “broke the law” of our household. I could reinforce judging his wrong, or I could focus on healing his little heart.

Hudson felt terrible at hurting me. I could reinforce how much he hurt me, and how disappointed I was in him. Or I could teach him about love, grace, forgiveness, and healing a little hurt heart.

Because here is the thing: when we’ve been wronged we really want the other person to either suffer for it, or show deep understanding of how they hurt us. But we always go overboard. We force the issue too long and too much. And the law, guilt, and judgment doesn’t change anyone. It sets a standard, but is not a motivator for transformation. Only grace and forgiveness are.

And so one look at my son showed me this was not the time to press the law and guilt more. This was the time for love and forgiveness. So I gave him a big hug, and he squeezed me so hard and I said I forgave him. He broke down and said how sorry he was, and I assured him that no matter what I’ll always forgive him and love.

So he went to sleep with a healed relationship, reconciled connection with me, rather than a deep feeling of not living up to my expectations and guilt. And I think that small difference makes all the difference.

Relationships are meant to be mended, not guilted into change. Relationships are meant to be reconciled, not broken under law. Relationships are to be healed through forgiveness, not through demanding judgment.

So the next time you have a chance to show judgment or grace and healing, stop for a moment, and think about your choice. Because there is always a choice to show forgiveness, or holding onto judgment. And sometimes that little choice is the difference between someone going to bed with a sore heart, or healed heart.

And of course I went to bed with a sore back, but my heart was happy with Hudson.

Podcasts, Sermon Reflections

Science, Relationships, and Spirituality: 5-1 Rule

On Sunday we looked at what’s called the 5-1 Rule. How our brains are wired for negativity, and we need at least 5 positive interactions to cancel out 1 negative interaction. The interesting thing is that’s actually what we see in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.

Prior to Paul giving some pretty specific instructions in chapters 4, 5, and 6 (don’t steal, treat your spouse well, etc) Paul affirms the good in the Ephesians first. Paul begins building them up and reminding them who they are, before turning to what they need to do differently.

And that one difference, can make all the difference.

We tend to jump to the negative, but that’s not the example of Paul in Ephesians. Paul starts with the good in people, not the bad. Paul reminds them of who they are before telling them what to do. Paul in essence follows the 5-1 ratio or rule. He certainly addresses concerns, but not before affirming and caring for who they are.

And I think that one little insight can help so many of our relationships.

What if before nagging – we stopped to do some caring? What if before confronting – we did some affirming? What if before judging – we actually did some loving?

I think if we focused on following Paul in this, not only would our lives be different, but our relationships healthier, whole, and better.

Big Idea: Practice the 5-1 Rule

Teaching Notes:

Every relationship has expectation gaps
Before bringing up the negative, Paul shares the positive.
Paul starts with the good in people, not the bad
Before Paul tells them what to do, he tells them who they are.
Science has taught us what is called “The Brain’s Negativity Bias
The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” Rick Hanson
affirm the good, before bringing up the bad

Questions for Discussion:

What was funny or new? How did God speak to you through the sermon? Have you ever thought about an idea like the 5-1 rule before? Are you prone to start with good or bad? How can you put this rule into practice this week?

Questions for Young Families:

Rather than talking about the today, show it. Do something for your kids to affirm their goodness.

Challenge for the Week:

Practice the 5-1 Rule.

Podcasts, Sermon Reflections

Science, Relationships, and Spirituality: This is Your Brain in Anger

On Sunday we took a look at the surprising connections between science, the Bible, and our relationships. We looked specifically at what happens when we get angry or enter into conflict and how while our physical systems are amazingly designed to avoid physical danger, they sometimes increase our emotional danger.

Here’s what we learned. That when we encounter or perceive danger we enter into a flight or fight response. This response does a few things: it short-circuits our higher level thinking and shuts it down, it dumps a bunch of chemicals into our system to fight or flight, and it reacts sometimes instantly.

And now this system is amazing for us to respond to physical threats: like a snake that we jump away from, or a falling rock we instantly respond to. This system though is not as amazing when it comes to social threats such as criticism, emotional hurt, or intense arguments.

Our fight or flight response can “hijack” our higher level thinking in these moments and we can end up either shutting down or becoming very aggressive. We talked about the different physiological responses, but asked a very simple question: how do we overcome this? Because we all have probably been in fights and in that state where we’ve said things we regretted (fight), or not said the things we should have (flight). So what do we do?

Well we looked at three concrete biblical steps, that amazingly correspond to science as well. The first is something we can do to help prevent being “hijacked” by our emotional response, and that this: to let heaven fill your thoughts. The truth is what we fill our minds with leave traces and predispositions. So if your mind is filled with negativity, junk, anger, and rehearsing of hurts, we are actually encouraging those very things. So Paul gives some very practical advice, “Let heaven fill your thoughts”. Focus on the things that are good, healthy, true, and life-giving. Focus on the truth of the gospel, and let that fill our minds more than the normal stress, anger, and hurt we carry.

The second thing we noticed is that when we feel that “fight or flight” response coming on, we can shut it down. Sometimes it builds, and it is possible to actually exercise self-control. We talked about how the Holy Spirit can give us self-control and how to pray for it, and practice it.

And last but not least, we talked about what to do when we’ve had a really in-depth hurtful argument. Solomon gives this really wise advice. He says this: Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back (Proverbs 29:11). And what he means here is not to deny your anger or your hurt, but not to actually vent it all around.

Venting your anger all around doesn’t actually lessen, but encourages it. When we have difficult conversations our tendency is to share and spread it, rather than dealing with it. And when we do that, we get angry and in the flight or fight response…again. So Solomon gives this wise advice: don’t spread it, deal with it. Don’t put it on Facebook, process it. Don’t keep repeating it, own it.

So those are some of the connections we looked at, and ended with a simple challenge: deal with and prevent anger and conflict. Take these steps and try to put them into practice to not only seek to prevent extra anger and conflict, but to deal with it when it happens.

Sermon Notes:

Big Idea: Our brains and bodies are complex and amazing

Teaching Points:

The amygdala perceives and responds to danger around us
The amygdala is incredibly fast but it’s actually not all that discerning
Two reactions: fight or flight.
Hijacking is when our emotional state shuts down our higher reasoning.
Let heaven fills your thoughts…
Pray for Self-Control and Practice Self-Control
Deal with anger, don’t vent it.

Adult Discussion Questions:

What stuck out to you from the sermon? What was challenging to you? How did God speak to you through it? What was new? Which type of response do you most often do – fight or flight? Can you relate to any of the examples shared? Have you ever seen how venting anger can make things worse? When and how? Is there anger that you need to deal with? Who can help you with that?

Discussion Questions for Young Families

Today use our learning to help with your kids. If they get upset remember it can take a while for them to re-centre. Give them space and encourage them even when things get angry and hard.

Challenge for the Week: Deal with and prevent anger.